Pigskin Pick’Em: Say goodbye to the Fabulous 5

  • By Nolan Rose
  • Wednesday, October 21, 2015 11:58pm
  • Sports

I thought week five was bad. A bumbling 3-10-1 effort in week six drops our total to an utterly average 43-43-4. The two-week stretch is easily the worst run in the column’s four year history. The futility has left many at Sultan of Sides Headquarters in dismay!

The ugly results coincide with the introduction of the “Fabulous Five” which to this point would be more aptly referred to as the “Fetal Five”. Prognosticators are nothing, if not superstitious. After long consultation with my various personalities, we decided to scrap the side games, get back to our core principles, and return the Sultan of Sides to glory!

Before we get to the paid footballers, let’s congratulate the Soldotna Stars on another state championship, and 587th win in a row! It’s an amazing feat for Soldotna’s kids, and football coaches, to have accomplished. Go Stars!

Seattle Seahawks @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS +6.5

What in blue blazes is going on around here! My beloved Seahawks have blown back to back multiple score leads in the fourth quarter. In fact, Seattle has led the game in the final 15 minutes of all four of their losses this season. The frustration has reached a boiling point. You can almost feel how this game is going to play out. Seattle will have a lead in the 4th, and one of two things will happen. The Seahawks will either blow the lead like they have done so many times and their playoff hopes will end, or they’ll find a way to win and turn this season around. Anti-jinx policy lines us up with the home side. Seahawks win 23-20

BUFFALO BILLS @ Jacksonville Jaguars +7

Every time I’ve sided with the Jungle-Kittens this season the team has failed miserably. There’s every reason to suspect that taking the road side will lead Jacksonville to victory, but I just can’t do it any longer. As an act of self-preservation I have to quit Jacksonville. Buffalo has the chops to beat bad teams, but the Bills aren’t ready for the big boys just yet. Where does Jacksonville fall on that spectrum? Bills win 27-17

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS -3

Jameis Winston and the Klingons head to the Nation’s capital to face Captain Kirk Cousins and the Starship Enterp… Oops that’s Star Trek, not the NFL. Well, this game is cosmically bad. What’s the over/under on the Neilson rating for this Toilet Bowl nominee? Redskins win 23-16

ATLANTA FALCONS @ Tennessee Titans +4

The Falcons came crashing back down to Earth last week with their dud of a performance in New Orleans. Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and my fantasy football savior Devonta Freeman, could use the extra rest after last Thursday’s debacle. Tennessee’s youthful passer, Marcus Mariota, is dealing with a knee injury. If Mariota can’t go the team will turn to Zach Mettenberger. If you’re NFL career is known for your affinity for selfies, you’re terrible at football. Falcons win 34-17

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ Indianapolis Colts -4.5

Indianapolis is 1-3 in football games this season with Andrew Luck at quarterback. The ancient Matt Hasselbeck is 2-0. Does that mean anything? No, probably not. New Orleans last won a road game in 1957. That’s not true, but it does feel that way. The Saints are 0-3 away from home this year. Does that mean anything? Yes, it probably does. New Orleans finds a way to lose late, but covers. Colts win 30-27

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ Detroit Lions +2.5

I want to like this Vikings team, but the Norsemen seem to be missing something. The Lions are just plain awful. Detroit sits at 1-5 and barely escaped the Chicago Bears in overtime a week ago. This will be a close game, like most NFC North contests, but in the end the Vikings have a lot more to play for the cowardly Lions. Vikings win 27-24

Pittsburgh Steelers @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS +2

Kansas City was supposed to compete for an AFC West division title. Kansas City is 1-5. The Indian Leaders are surprisingly awful, but the money here says they won’t go 1-15. Pittsburgh is fortunate to be 4-2 in light of all their injuries, but counting on third stringer Landry Jones to win a game in one of the most hostile NFL stadiums is fool’s gold. Chiefs win 20-14

Cleveland Browns @ ST. LOUIS RAMS -5.5

This is the type of game St. Louis wins. The Lambs are only good at football when you expect them to awful. After a couple of surprising early season victories St. Louis is sitting a 2-3. A comfortable position for this exceedingly average franchise. Now that the public is down on the Rams they’ll play well. It’s the Ram way. Cleveland did everything it possibly could to lose to the Denver Broncos last Sunday. Get the paper bags out. The Browns are the Browns again. Rams win 24-14

Houston Texans @ MIAMI DOLPHINS -4

The Canned Tuna have a new coach and new attitude. To this point I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was high on the Dolphins entering the season. After a resounding victory last Sunday maybe a coaching change really was all this team needed. Houston stinks. You either have a capable quarterback or you don’t. Brian Hoyer is not capable. Remember Clarion faithful, you don’t receive bonus points for beating the Jaguars. Dolphins win 30-14

New York Jets @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -10

This is a different Jets team. The day of Rex Ryan’s brash boasts that the Jets were out to get Tom Brady and Patriots are long gone. This is a professional Jets team. Not your grandfathers Jets. That doesn’t mean Gang Green will win. They’re playing the best team in football, in Boston, but it does bring a tasteful back door cover into play. Patriots win 30-21

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ San Diego Chargers -4

This is about as evenly matched as two teams can get, and anytime there’s a coin flip line you should always favor the team with more aesthetic uniforms. If San Diego was wearing the powder blues they would have an edge, but the navy kills their look. Oakland will enter this contest with their road silver and whites, a timeless appeal that brings you back to your glorious childhood. Raiders win 28-23

Dallas Cowboys @ NEW YORK GIANTS -3

Dallas is not beating the New York Football Giants in Gotham without Dez Bryant and Tony Romo. End of story, don’t make this harder than it is. In fact, if Matt Cassel leads the Cowboys to victory this Sunday I will resign from writing this column. It’s impossible. Cassel is terrible. Giants win 26-16

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ Carolina Panthers -3

Carolina, fresh off a miraculous win in Seattle, is travelling back to Charlotte to face a Philadelphia Eagles team on the rise. The Panthers enter this contest undefeated at 5-0, but does anyone think this is more than an 11 or 12 win team? Losses are looming on Carolina’s schedule. Philly got off to a slow start, but the Eagles have posted two straight victories. Chip Kelly’s squad will make in three in a row against a Carolina team ripe for a letdown. Eagles win 23-19

Baltimore Ravens @ ARIZONA CARDINALS -10

The Desert Bats have a habit of blowing teams out, and few teams in the NFL appear as blowout prone as the Baltimore Ravens. The Nevermore’s have been competitive to this point, despite the unsightly 1-5 mark, but their pass defense may be the worst in professional football. Arizona sits at 4-2, with all four wins coming by double digits. When the Cardinals win, they win big. Bats win 38-17

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