Thank goodness for Thanksgiving! What’s better than spending an entire day dedicated to eating and watching football? Nothing! Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, salads, breads… It’s an all-star lineup of deliciousness! I intend on devouring an entire pumpkin pie by myself, and that’s perfectly acceptable. I love Thanksgiving!
I don’t love my picks this NFL season. Let’s face it, 2015 has been a complete disaster. We’ve officially crossed the Mendoza Line of sports prognostication. After 11 weeks of action the Sultan of Sides column sits at an unsettling 74-76-6. Last week’s 5-8 mark was more of the same in what’s quickly becoming a season to forget. Certainly, not a result to be thankful for.
Philadelphia Eagles @
DETROIT LIONS -2.5
These teams stink. Eagles boss Chip Kelly has already rented a moving van to head to Tennessee after the season to reunite with Marcus Mariota, his former Oregon Duck quarterback. Philly lost at home to an average Tampa team 45-17 last week. That’s impossible. Detroit, despite the unflattering record, has played better of late, including last week’s victory over the Oakland Raiders. Take the home side. Lions win 30-20
CAROLINA PANTHERS @
Dallas Cowboys -1
Are you kidding? The undefeated, 10-0, Carolina Panthers are actually an underdog against a 3-7 Dallas Cowboys team? Is Tony Romo worth that much to the Fighting Jerry’s? Apparently Vegas thinks so. Romo was decent last week in his return from a broken upper body, leading the Cowboys to a win in Miami. Carolina is not Miami. The Panthers will lose a game this season, but it won’t be this week. Panthers win 27-17
Chicago Bears @
GREEN BAY PACKERS -8.5
Aaron Rodgers owns the Chicago Bears. I don’t know the exact stat, but Green Bay has outscored Chicago by approximately 5,000 points in the last few years. Amazingly, that’s almost true. Packers running back Eddie Lacy woke up from his season-long coma and posted his first 100 yard rushing game last week in Green Bay’s critical win over Minnesota. Look for the Pack to carry that momentum into another easy win versus Da Bears. Packers win 34-17
Pittsburgh Steelers @
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -3.5
I think Seattle may have turned the corner last week, but then again, playing the San Francisco 49ers has a way of making a team look good. Thomas Rawls excelled filling in for an injured Marshawn Lynch and he’ll have to have another big game to keep Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown on the sidelines. That’s the only time Seattle will be able to slow down the vaunted aerial duo. Run the football, don’t turn it over, and don’t force the offensive line into obvious pass-blocking downs. That’s Seattle’s recipe for success. For my sanity’s sake, let’s hope they get the job done. Seahawks win 27-20
Oakland Raiders @
TENNESSEE TITANS even
At one point this season I thought, for the first time in a long time, that the Oakland Raiders were good at football. It turns out the ghost of Al Davis is still haunting this once proud franchise. Just lose baby! Tennessee needs to lose this game, but in typical Titans fashion they’ll find a way to win a few games down the stretch costing themselves valuable draft position. Titans win 31-24
BUFFALO BILLS @
Kansas City Chiefs -7
Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills! The only problem is will larger-than-life coach Rex Ryan pass the mash potatoes and gravy long enough to catch any game film this week? The Chiefs enter this contest on the war path having won convincingly 33-3 last week in sunny San Diego. Both teams badly need a victory to remain in the AFC playoff picture. Favor the home side to win outright, but a touchdown is too much to give against a pesky Bills team. Chiefs win 19-16
TAMPA BAY BUCS @
Indianapolis Colts -3
Somebody check me for concussion-like symptoms! I never thought I would say this, but I actually am starting to like this Bucs team. Jameis Winston is not terrible, like I thought he would be. Doug Martin is reminding everyone he was once labelled the “Muscle Hamster”. Martin now prefers “Douggernaut”. The guy comes up with some great nicknames. I’ll give him that. Bucs win 23-16
NEW YORK GIANTS @
Washington Redskins +2.5
If the New York Football Giants are ever going to seize control of the NFC EAST this is the week. To this point, nobody seems to want to actually win the division. Dallas and Philadelphia have both tanked. Washington is still Washington. This is the Giants division to win, but if they can’t beat a bewildered Native American team, then they don’t deserve to make the playoffs. It’s that simple. Giants win 27-14
New Orleans Saints @
HOUSTON TEXANS -3
These are two teams heading in opposite directions. New Orleans, led by one of the worst defenses in NFL history, is incapable of winning a road game. Houston is an odd group. Despite having a quarterback nobody has ever heard of the Texans have turned their season around after a disappointing start to reach .500 after 11 weeks of play. Houston, unbelievably, has a share of first place in the AFC South. That stunning fact sums up the 2015 season perfectly. Texans win 30-20
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @
Atlanta Falcons even
Does anyone know what in the heck has happened to the Atlanta Falcons? For the first month of the season the Falcons looked the part of a Super Bowl contender. Now? Well, they look like the Falcons have always looked, and that’s not good if you’re a fan of the Dirty Birds. Minnesota is looking to right the ship after a disappointing loss at home to their rival Green Bay. Vikings win 23-17
St. Louis Rams @
CINCINNATI BENGALS -10
St. Louis is counting on a recently concussed Case Keenum to lead them to victory in Cincinnati? That’s not a good plan. The Rams will always be terrible with Jeff Fisher as coach. This guy is the most overrated coach in the NFL. Anyone else would have lost their job by now. Fisher is the king of 7-9. Cincinnati has lost two straight after a brilliant start to the year. There’s no way that streak reaches a third game. Bengals win 28-13
San Diego Chargers @
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -4
I’m not thankful for this toilet bowl nominee. Jaguars win because somebody has to 27-22
Miami Dolphins @
NEW YORK JETS -3
The Canned Tuna travel to New York to face the Jets in a pivotal AFC East showdown absolutely no one cares about. The Jets have stumbled after a positive start to the year. A loss to Miami would all but end their postseason dreams. Miami’s season has already ended. The curse of Dan Marino lives! Expect Gang Green to get back in the win column. Jets win 31-19
ARIZONA CARDINALS @
San Francisco 49ers +11.5
Arizona has the feel of a team that knows it’s on the cusp off finally taking over the NFC West perch from the stranglehold Seattle has had on the division. A resounding victory over a helpless 49ers team is the next step towards reaching that goal. San Francisco is terrible. If this was European Soccer the team would be relegated to the CFL. Cardinals win 30-7
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ Denver Broncos +2.5
You just know the New England Patriots are going to find a way to win this game. The Brady Bunch has been decimated by injuries, but Brady and Belichick own Peyton Manning. It doesn’t matter that the ancient passing relic isn’t playing. If Manning couldn’t solve the Belichick riddle over the years why would there be optimism that Brock Osweiler could get the job done? Osweiler was decent last week against the Chicago Bears in his first NFL start. Decent doesn’t get the job done against Tom Terrific. Patriots win 23-14
Baltimore Ravens @
CLEVELAND BROWNS -2.5
Is this a professional football game? The only suspense here is if Johnny Manziel will be sober or not. Hopefully you’ll have enough Turkey leftover to reach a suitable food coma. One long enough to last the duration of this snooze fest! Browns win 27-17
