My son waved through the window to his cousins as they began their long drive through the mountains and over the bridge, home to the Valley. Before they left, he gave them both (and their dog) many hugs and kisses, and made his Nantie promise to bring them back soon so they can play again. He watched as they turned out of our driveway and looked back at me with his bottom lip quivering. “I wish I had someone to play with. I wish we had two kids,” he said to me, and it broke my heart in two.

There is so much guilt in motherhood. So much doubt and worry. The choice I made to protect my own heart and health deprived him of a playmate and a partner with whom he could have shared his childhood. He will learn by necessity to be independent, but he will also suffer the loneliness of an only child, which I would never have wanted for him. If I had my way, there would be a 3-year-old in the house right now to occupy and annoy him, to giggle and bicker with, and for him to teach and learn from. Instead, he calls our cat his best friend and most of the time he has only his parents to play with when school is out.

I tell myself that there are benefits to being an only child. He will never have to compete for attention, because ours is undivided. There are no arguments or hurt feelings, no bitterness or jealousy, and he will never wonder if we have a favorite. I must force myself to look at the bright side — it’s the only way I can forgive myself for what I’ve done. Someday, when he’s older, I’ll explain to him why I made the choice I did, but for now, I tell him that I wish we had two kids, too, but sometimes you just don’t get what you want.

I really wanted some sweet and sour takeout this weekend, but all my favorite restaurants are far outside of delivery range, so I made do and made it myself. This takeout favorite is deceptively easy and comes together faster than it can be delivered. I used tofu as the protein, but chicken or pork would also be good options.

Sweet and sour tofu

Ingredients for a family of 3

1 ½ blocks firm tofu

½ cup red onion, in bite-sized pieces

1 red bell pepper, in bite-sized pieces

1 cup broccoli florets

½ cup canned pineapple chunks

For the sauce

2 tablespoons agave nectar, honey, or sugar (I used agave)

2 tablespoons soy sauce

2 tablespoons ketchup

2 tablespoons mirin

2 tablespoons pineapple juice

½ cup water

1 teaspoon cornstarch (plus more for coating the tofu)

2 tablespoons coconut oil or other neutral flavored oil

Directions:

Drain, rinse, and cut your tofu into cubes. Lay them out in a single layer and pat dry. Try to remove as much moisture as possible.

Toss the dried tofu cubes in cornstarch until thoroughly coated.

Fry the breaded tofu until golden brown and remove from the pan.

Whisk together the sauce ingredients and set aside.

In the same pan, stir fry the vegetables (excluding the pineapple chunks) until nearly done, then add the tofu and pineapple.

Pour the sauce over the dish and gently fold to coat everything. The sauce will quickly thicken. Cook just until the sauce is thick, and the tofu is heated through.

Garnish with a sprinkle of sesame seeds and serve on steamed white rice.