Nick Varney

Nick Varney

Unhinged Alaska: Who knows what lurks within a deck of cards

Chill. Don’t despair.

Things are a bit bleak out there and looking gloomier by the minute, especially if you have a virtual piggy bank full of bitcoins.

Unfortunately, a few modern-day soothsayers, with the mental acumen of expired credit cards, are starting to panic and predicting a cataclysmic total downfall of the world’s economy.

Chill. Don’t despair.

History reflects that there were several ancient civilizations that became so doom-infused that they ran amok with breech cloths flying howling the end of the world was nigh. A full eclipse of the sun can have that effect on some.

Things haven’t changed much through the millenniums.

Remember not too long ago when individuals and groups bought into the belief that early Mayans, after quaffing one too many kegs of a brew of toxic psychotropic green honey called Balché, declared the world was going to be set at “air fry” on 12/21/12?

One certainly couldn’t question the Mayan’s street cred. They had the uncanny ability to carve highly accurate astrological equipment out of rock instead wasting their talent on fashioning bling to style around in during Blood Sacrifice week.

It was also cool that they were able to calculate the length of the lunar moon as 329.53020 days, missing it only by 34 seconds.

But, if one read their predictions carefully, they would have realized that civilization would roll on after 12/21/12, just with some noteworthy transformations. But nothing close to the annihilation of every living thing on earth except cockroaches, of course.

Still, modern era loons ignored the full concept of the prophecies and commenced hoarding everything from survival Snickers and portable breweries, to batteries for emergency radios that, if what they believed came true, no one would be around to turn them on.

At least, doomies had a ton of stuff leftover when the cataclysm failed to appear. Sadly, things didn’t go as well for those who delayed paying bills and ran up huge Visa charges betting on being atomized on the 21st.

Moving on. Let’s not forget the mega 27km tunnel built in Europe to house the world’s dominant particle accelerator.

Pessimists again sprouted from a compost pile of ignorance decrying that, once it was fired off, miniature black holes would appear sucking the earth down to the size of a crushed hockey puck.

Not even close, although the accelerator did run up an astonishing electric bill.

It seems like there is always something gloomy over the horizon such as sun storms cranking up to nail us with enough radiation to knock out our power grids, trash satellites, microwave our meals, and pop the human race like a cosmic batch of kettle corn.

Such upheavals are cyclic and nasty ones were predicted early in 2013, but the countdown came and went with nary a glitch in a gird nor blister on a butt.

Nowadays there are a few sects convinced that Armageddon is set for the final battle between good and evil any second now.

Who knows for sure? The Chinese Book of Changes, as well as a few Hindu teachings, agree that something may be in the wind that’s bigger than a biker riot in Sturgis.

Maybe, it’s the charming super volcano in Yellowstone National Park. It is way overdue for a major dust up that will block the sun with atmospheric ash resulting in the earth experiencing a 15,000 year-long winter.

Not to worry though. The way the government handles things currently, such a catastrophe will immediately spur the EPA into issuing emergency regulations limiting volcanic eruption emissions by corking their vents to prevent growing plumes of volcanic dust from clogging vehicle charging stations and short circuiting the EV fleets.

Let’s not forget a pack of physicists at Berkeley who have nothing else to do but play with numbers and look thoughtful. The product of their specific ponders predicts that we are also on the fast track for a catastrophic event.

This time around, it could be a change in the magnetic field shielding us from the sun’s radiation, if solar storms don’t put us on broil first.

Are you aware of the fact that the magnetic poles like to switch places every 750,000 years or so?

Unfortunately, we’ve passed that milestone by 30,000 years and when the switch occurs, we’ll lose our UV shield for so long that “deep fried” will become a common skin condition.

And so it goes. There always seems to be some disaster scenario out there that’s hypothetically going to put all of us on puree any time now.

Try not to worry too much.

Every time one of the downer prophesies rolls around, such as the recent predictions concerning the world’s economy, stay frosty and pragmatic.

If that doesn’t work, quaff a double shot of Balché then, if things blow wicked, you won’t care. If they don’t, you might just come to the conclusion that the future is like a deck of cards. You should wait to see what you’re dealt before deciding how to play the hand.

Nick can be reached at if he isn’t standing on a hill somewhere mumbling totally unprintable comments about his 401(k) and the need for a loan to refuel his lawnmower.

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