Alert! On Feb. 9, a certain segment of our population will come close to an OD on saturated fats and cholesterol while becoming so psychologically freaked and vocally aggressive that they’ll be on the verge of being quarantined and tested for rabies.
This annual dementia is preceded by enough warning signals that some spouses have been known to charter weekend flights to remote Peruvian temples, where their only means of communication with the outside world is drumming on a hollow log.
Others will simply choose to ignore the early signs and symptoms of the forthcoming mania such as playoffs ad nauseum until their hyperbole-infected hubby is totally couch-ridden on the day of “The Super Bowl and Lip Sync Half Time Spectacle” featuring such star-kissed attractions as the rapper Kootie and the Can’t Understand A Damn Thing You’re Sayin’ background singers along with enough fireworks to give Putin a coronary.
Seriously, we are speaking of a national craze where normally lucid humanoids don foam rubber battle gear and team symbols while plastering on face paint that would scare the hell out of a juiced-up Alice Cooper.
If some of you are worried that your spouse might become susceptible to this annual malady, the following are four important behavioral warning signals to be aware of if you plan on being out of town on that day.
If you observe just one of the following, trouble is brewing. If you run into a combination of any of the four, there may still some open seats available on the chartered airline fleet smokin’ south.
Warning #1.
Your mate surprisingly phones before getting off work and inquires if they can pick you up anything on their way home.
You are so stunned that they cared enough to call that you make something up and end up with a half dozen tubs of avocado infused, artery cloggin’, amalgamated fat dip, two cases of “Double Deep-Fried Flaming Hot Cheetos” along with a crate of blimp-sized bags stuffed with assorted flavored Doritos and pickled jalapenos, but he forgot the coffee creamer you requested.
Warning #2.
Your hubby, who normally hints that you should consider doing your wardrobe shopping at the Good Will Clothes Emporium, suddenly produces a heretofore unknown credit card and suggests you take the non-football loving friends you’ll be visiting with out for dinner and even offers to spring for everyone’s lunch by handing over his sacred stash of coupons for a “Two-Fer-One Big Mac with a side of mega fries” specials.
Note: This specific behavior may be particularly insidious because it undoubtedly means that, since you will be gone, your home has now been designated to host the 2025 tribal gathering known as “The National Champion Play Off.”
Warning #3.
On Saturday afternoon, while you are waiting for your cab, your spouse is in the backyard laying out markers that suspiciously resemble parking slots, and a brewery distributor calls to reconfirm that his driver will have enough room to turn his 18-wheeler around and back up to the porch.
Ultimate Warning #4.
You inadvertently open your mate’s Saturday morning’s mail and discovers the latest and official estimated costs for a Sunday delivery of a dozen 18-inch combination pizzas and six buckets of lip blistering buffalo wings.
I’m sure there are a plethora of other subtle signals forewarning you of a disturbance in the force hinting at the likelihood that your partner is planning to host a male bonding bash while you’re gone. Just so you won’t have to suffer through another game, of course.
If you think about it, that’s kinda sweet as long as you don’t come home and discover a mess that’ll take a D8 and a couple of dump trucks to clean up along with a rough draft of his obituary.
Finally, for those distaff members of the community who have disdain for football fanatics and the game itself, I hope the preceding behavioral imbalance indicators will be of some help.
I truly empathize with the issue and would like to spend more time discussing ways to deal with this abnormal conduct, but I just got a call from Turk informing me that his lady love will be in Anchorage the first two weeks of February and was wondering if I was up for some winter king fishing and some low-ante poker. You bet, plus I had another idea. He can turn a D8 on a dime.
Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com if he isn’t involved in planning a little get together in the near future. Turk’s partner is part of the committee. There’s a lot of positives to possessing a black belt in karate.
