Unhinged Alaska: Better to be on the Love Boat than under it

My, my, here we are, once again, in the cuddle clime of Valentine’s Day.

This “special” period should have rolled in as no surprise to any guy with an IQ higher than a grape nut flake.

All it takes is noticing the serious uptick in the advertising of jewelry costing more than a reliable fishing boat and flower arrangements offering a choice between them and a new downrigger.

Alas, for many of the less astute, the danger alarm won’t go off until they wander into their favorite adult beverage emporium on V eve and a beer bong team member gurgles, “So whatcha get yer ole lady?”

Sir Putz will stare at his Pabst and mumble something like, “Her birthday is late March. What’s the rush?”

“Dude, we’re talkin’ Valentine’s Day, fungus gums. You better have a big box of them caramel Turtle thingys or some perfume that could drop a charging rhino in your glovebox lessen you want to take up permanent occupancy in that prehistoric kennel drippin’ mold in your back yard.”

Does the previous scene seem a bit familiar to some of you?

Hopefully not.

Although it’s probably too late now, here are some last minute tips which might help you avoid being served congealed bacon drippings for the rest of the year.

Note: Easy now gentlemen, I fully realize that I’m avoiding direct criticism of the distaff side element in this discussion. It’s rumored that they too can be a bit forgetful at times although I’m not sure about that when it comes to such things as their mate’s slight indiscretion a few decades ago during a pool party in San Antonio. Never mind.

Trust me. Being marriage-enabled is a huge positive when it comes to recalling and celebrating special occasions. My single bros are the ones I feel need an upgrade to their overall awareness rating when it comes to relationships.

Some bachelors forget about Valentine’s Day because their priorities always seem to be running amok giving more attention to making sure the rig’s oil gets changed every three months and keeping up with the proper maintenance on their four wheelers and snow sleds.

Women, on the other hand NEVER forget it. Please trust me on this.

If, for some undecipherable reason they suddenly end up not presenting their guy with some warm and fuzzy goodies on the 14th they’ve probably decided that the only way to his heart is to saw his breast plate open and that doesn’t bode well for the relationship.

Case in point. My buddy Turk learned the hard way about chronic forgetfulness.

Back during his prime dating days in college, he became reacquainted with a high school friend who was, at first, somewhat forgiving about his unremitting lapse of memory about special days such as her birthday, Valentine’s and the anniversary of their initial meeting during nap time at pre-school 23 years prior (how do they do that?).

The first time he zoned her birthday she was playful and said she’d forgive his indiscretion if he could name the famous ship that went down after smacking into an ice berg. He quipped, “The Titanic.”

She smiled and everything was righteous.

Then he stepped in it again and missed an important social function at her dorm and went fishing instead. Not cool.

When next they met, her fingernails had elongated and curved. But with style and grace she said she would give him another chance if he could tell how many passengers went down on the Titanic.

“Around 1,517” He answered. (Classic Comics were great references for sloth research back in the day.)

“That’ll do,” she said and they were back on the dating train.

When Cupid’s favorite date popped up again, he showed up to study for a stat exam without anything remotely symbolizing the day. No card, nada chocolate, sans flora and definitely no clue. She looked at him like he was dog drool on a week old bagel and pointed to the door.

“Hey,” he pleaded. “What about another Titanic question?”

“Sure,” she shot back. “Remember my question about how many people were lost during sinking?”

“Yep,” He smugly replied.

“Name them!” she thundered.

To this day, when he thinks about fumbling that relationship and going into what is now known as a Cam Newton pout, he kicks himself because he backed away instead at jumping on the opportunity to rectify his mistake thus blowing an opportunity to salvage the situation.

His unfaltering philosophy now is to treat each day with his significant other as a special time in his life.

Flowers appear at random throughout the year while kindness and loving respect are the norm instead of the exception.

It’s not that difficult to tell someone you love them for no other reason than you wish them to realize how special they are and always will be whether facing tribulations or successes in your life together.

Remember, it’s better to be on the Love Boat than under it.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com.

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