Symptons of aging

Last week I wrote about the changes that come with the passing years. Moreover, those years pass faster the further we get from the neonatal unit.

(I’ve developed three more wrinkles since I sat down to write this. And they’re gray.)

If this talk is all Greek to you, count yourself lucky that you can worry about it tomorrow. If you are in the same boat, however, grab a bottle of liniment and find yourself in the following life changes:

• Nothing feels better than your own bed at night. For that reason, you don’t take as many trips as you once did.

• You can’t identify any songs on the Top 40, if they even still have a Top 40. You don’t know because you rarely listen to the radio. The songs all sound alike. If you can’t tune to Obituaries Over the Air, you turn off the radio and go dye your hair.

• Unless, that is, the songs are remakes of oldies. Then you can pick out every word and can remember who first recorded it and in what year and where you were the first time you heard it. Unfortunately, the oldies keep getting younger. You dread the day the 1990s are worshipped.

• Otherwise, your memory is … well, I’ll get back to this when it comes to me.

• Bands in a club play too loudly. But the TV is never quite loud enough.

• You begin to pay attention to the side-effect warnings of prescription medications on TV commercials.

• You begin growing hair in places that used to be bald. And you’re a woman. For men, ear hair can be brushed easier than trimmed.

• You find people you knew in the obituaries. All too often, you say, “He was my age.”

• Your food has changed. We avoid fat, cholesterol, sugar, gluten and MSG. You grew up on a farm, though, and the annual gluten crop was what kept you going.

• Yogurt. I will say no more.

• You read the paper and watch network TV news because you don’t trust the Internet to get it right.

• Sickness hangs on longer than before. The common cold is suddenly a life-threatening illness – at least in your mind. In the shower, you worry about falling and breaking your hip.

• You refuse to get another eye examination because your glasses got you through last year and you paid too much to go changing lenses now.

• You stop to look at every baby you see. They’re not quite as cute as your grandchildren, but more’s the reason to boost their self-esteem.

• You don’t feel flattered if you get carded when buying wine. You fall down laughing, but that is followed by: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

To you whippersnappers out there: Tuesday is Groundhog Day, when the habits of a rodent determine the seasons. For you, anyway.

We of a certain age know better. There are always six more weeks of winter, no matter what that fat squirrel says.

 

Reach Glynn Moore at glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.

More in Life

Virginia Walters (Courtesy photo)
Life in the Pedestrian Lane: ‘Tis the Season

The Kenai Community Library has always been one of the stars in the crown of the community.

Homer News Ben Mitchell, left, serves spaghetti to helper Pat Wells in the kitchen at a past Share the Spirit spaghetti feed. (Michael Armstrong/Homer News file)
Looking to share some holiday spirit? Here’s how

Share the Spirit serves the Homer community by donating food, essential needs and Christmas presents.

Appease your child’s picky palate with these tasty Tater Tots. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
On the strawberry patch: Tots to be thankful for

Two years ago, I spent the entirety of Thanksgiving Day in my green rocking chair, cradling my newborn son.

File
Minister’s Message: Keep in step

Sometimes it takes going half way around the world to learn how to “keep in step” as I journey.

Shelli and Mike Gordon pose in October 2011 at their Halibut Cove, Alaska, home in an Alaska Gothic version of Grant Wood’s “American Gothic” painting. (Photo courtesy of Mike Gordon)
‘Dagnabit’ features tales of ’80s wild Alaska

Gordon’s second book also tells of Ruben Gaines, creator of Chilkoot Charlie.

Before boiling, this handmade pasta is rolled, cut and tossed in flour to keep from sticking. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
On the strawberry patch: Pasta by hand

Learning one of the most important task of the Italian kitchen: making the pasta.

Will Morrow (courtesy)
The Great Thanksgiving dessert debate

Our holiday gathering is going to be smaller than it sometimes is, and it was argued that we didn’t need two desserts.

Dianne Spence-Chorman’s “Fig Study” is one of the works showing in the Homer Council on the Arts “Fun wtih 5x7” show through Dec. 22, 2021, at the gallery in Homer, Alaska. (Photo by Michael Armstrong/Homer News)
‘Fun with 5×7’ offers affordable art

HCOA annual art show presents art in a variety of media, all in 5x7 format.

Make pumpkin chocolate chip with cinnamon buttercream cupcakes for a decadent fall treat. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
On the strawberry patch: In honor of ‘Cupcake Mondays’

Pumpkin chocolate chip with cinnamon buttercream cupcakes brighten up the dreariest of work.

Nick Varney
Nick Varney
Unhinged Alaska: Back off, Zeus

If this wet-n-warm, freeze, then start again, continues much longer, Kachemak Drive will need a complete redo.

The cover of Tom Kizzia’s book, “Cold Mountain Path,” published by Porphyry Press in October 2021. (Photo provided)
‘Cold Mountain Path’ explores ghost town history of McCarthy

Kizzia’s book looks at McCarthy history from 1938 to the town’s revival as a tourist destination.

Melinda Hershberger works on her installation for the Kenai Art Center’s collaborative mural project on Wednesday, Nov. 3, 2021. (Camille Botello/Peninsula Clarion)
Wall-to-wall creativity

Artists collaborate on a single mural at the Kenai Art Center this month.