Trump’s wonderful parade

It looks like no amount of ridicule is going to dissuade President Donald Trump from holding his parade on Veterans Day. At least he’s decided to not include tanks. Someone let him know that they’re heavy, and genius that he is, POTUS was able to figure out that they’d wreck D.C. streets. As someone who drives on them all the time, I am fully aware that D.C. streets don’t need tanks — they’re pre-wrecked, which will be readily apparent if they ever really do drain the Washington swamp.

For now, it’s full speed ahead in the planning. The latest Pentagon memorandum specifies the usual spit-and-polish marching armed forces units. We’ll have jets screaming overhead. There are always jets screaming overhead. On the ground there will be wheeled weapons of war rumbling along that are lighter than tanks. Are nuclear missiles lighter than tanks? In addition, we’ll have groups of veterans sauntering by, which makes sense, since it is for Veterans Day. Filling out the ranks will be newly created battalions of teachers, sashaying by with their newly issued weapons they’re now authorized to carry. As they walk past the reviewing stand, they’ll fire off a 21-gun salute. Special care will be taken to make sure that they don’t point their weapons at each other.

Looking down from on high will be the president, his very ownself.

Perhaps he’ll include guests, other heads of state from the countries that aren’t completely antagonized by his tariffs and the other nastiness he reserves for America’s traditional allies. Vladimir Putin already has RSVP’d his enthusiastic “Da”; he wouldn’t blow off this party. It’s also a can’t-miss for Xi Jinping, Chinese emperor for life, who responded with a resounding “Shi.” As for Benjamin Netanyahu, Israel’s prime minister, he can’t really commit right now to being available in November, given his legal problems. President Trump could say the same thing. If things go well when they meet — make that “if” they meet — then he could extend an invitation to Rocket Man … er, Kim Jong Un, who would be making his first trip to the United States. It would be such a welcome break from his usual routine of heavy-handed oppression of his starving population.

As for Melania Trump, one would think that she’d be adding her glamour to an event that will be badly in need of it. She is the first lady, after all. But these days, we always have to wonder whether she’ll show up. And that brings us to the parade queen.

Just who should be featured riding the main float? Oh, there will be floats, financed by all the rich corporations and individuals who have money to spare with all the administration’s tax breaks and deregulation. Only one woman defines America in this age of Trump, and that is Stormy Daniels. Actually, Betsy DeVos was another suggestion. No contest. It’ll definitely be Stormy. Some are beginning to wonder if she’s suffering from overexposure. Rest assured, people; Daniels has never, ever suffered from overexposure. As for her float, it surely will have a pole.

So we can see why Melania responded to her invitation with a “Maybe.” Mar-a-Lago beckons, although how much time can one tolerate in the company of the Botoxed wealthy?

She could always watch coverage on TV. Fox News will have exclusive rights, naturally. All those fake news networks will be kept far away. Too far to show the actual spectator crowd size, which, of course, will be the “greatest in history.”

As for the money, don’t worry about that, America. Whatever it costs can be deducted from programs for the needy. However many millions of dollars is a small price to pay for a presidential ego trip.

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