Most of us assume that change begins with new information — learning the right things, thinking better thoughts, making stronger resolutions. But real change rarely starts in our heads. It starts in the habits.
Author Justin Whitmel Earley puts it memorably in “Habits of the Household”: “You can’t think yourself out of a pattern you didn’t think yourself into. You practiced yourself into it — so you have to practice your way out.”
His insight is both simple and unsettling. Our habits don’t just shape our schedules; they shape our hearts. When what we believe and how we live are misaligned, our hearts follow our habits — not our intentions.
That means the real question isn’t whether we’re being formed. We already are. The question is what kind of people our daily rhythms are forming us into.
At the foundation of every habit — healthy or unhealthy — is a quiet, often forgotten virtue: self-control.
Self-control isn’t about harsh rules or joyless restraint. Biblically speaking, it’s the Spirit-empowered ability to master our desires, impulses, and habits so they serve us rather than rule us. When self-control erodes, the rest of the virtues begin to wobble.
This may be why self-control gets overlooked. It isn’t flashy. It isn’t celebrated in a culture built on instant gratification. And at first, it can feel restrictive before it feels freeing.
Yet without self-control, love becomes sentimental instead of sacrificial. Joy becomes mood-dependent. Peace becomes avoidance rather than the courage to resolve conflict. Self-control is the quiet fruit that makes every other virtue livable.
A helpful illustration comes from the film “Gladiator.” Marcus Aurelius chooses Maximus to lead — not because he’s flawless, but because his life has been shaped by discipline and sacrifice. His son Commodus, by contrast, possesses ambition without restraint. He rules from impulse rather than wisdom, and over time it costs him everything. Ambition alone cannot sustain a life. Temperance can.
Still, self-control has a shadow side. Detached from grace and wisdom, it can harden into rigidity. But just as often, it collapses into indulgence — especially when self-indulgence is mislabeled as “self-care.” True self-care isn’t the absence of restraint; it’s the presence of wise discipline.
This breakdown usually shows up in three everyday areas: media, money, and commitments. Are you consuming media, or is it consuming you? Are you managing your money, or is it managing you? Are you controlling your commitments, or are they controlling you?
The invitation isn’t to fix everything at once. Consider spending the next week simply noticing your habits. Pay attention to when you feel most anxious, impulsive, or resentful. Those moments often reveal where self-control is weakest — and where growth might begin.
Remember: we become our habits. And our children, in many ways, become us. Before rushing to change, it may be time to slow down and notice what’s shaping you.
In your corner,
Andrew
Andrew and Kristy Miller, along with their seven children, live in Sterling and serve at Sterling Baptist Church located at the corner of Swanson River Road and the Sterling Highway. Family worship is at 11 a.m. on Sundays.
