The opening week of the 2019 NFL season was a little uneven for the Prince of Prognostication. Denver’s debacle on Monday Night sealed a 9-7 performance against the books. The Prince is always happy with a positive week, but there’s plenty of room for improvement.
Something new to the column this year, we’re going to keep track of our bankroll, and recap a bad beat from the previous week of games. For our fantasy bankroll we’ll make a couple of assumptions. We’ll always use a 10% juice from the books, and we’ll always wager $110 to win $100. That means our 9-7 mark from last week netted us a smooth $130, take that Las Vegas!
Bad Beat of the Week: How about those New York Jets! The Paper Airplanes held a 16-3 advantage going into the fourth quarter. Bills QB Josh Allen seemed unaware that he was supposed to pass to his teammates. This was an easy cover at -3, and in typical Jets fashion they choked away the lead and lost 17-16. Thank you Gangrene…
Bucs @ PANTHERS -7
The marketing wizards operating under Darth Goodell really know how to get football fans fired up starting the week off with a toilet bowl nominee. Thanks, Darth. Cam Newton looks washed, Jameis Winston looks bad, and the Bucs still wear one of the worst uniforms ever created. This is fun. Panthers win 28-17
Seahawks @ STEELERS -4.5
This pick is an anti-jinx special. Seattle’s big uglies looked disorganized up front, an area that was supposed to be much improved but held on for a one-point victory over the Bengals. The Steelers did not attend their season-opening game against the Patriots. I’m assuming they will arrive in time for kick-off this Sunday. Steelers win 30-24
49ers @ BENGALS -2
The Jungle Cats looked surprisingly good last week. I can’t believe I just typed that. The Red Rocket threw for over 400 yards and the worst defense in the NFL a season ago looked sharp. The Niners beat the Bucs in Tampa last week, it’s really difficult to win back-to-back road games in the NFL. Bengals win 24-17
CHARGERS @ Lions +2.5
Detroit did Detroit things last week down in the Desert. The Lions blew an 18-point lead in the fourth quarter against a rookie quarterback but managed to salvage a tie in overtime. LA’s other team is really good. Chargers backup RB Austin Ekeler did not help Melvin Gordon’s case for a new contract extension with a scintillating performance in the opener. Chargers win 33-24
Vikings @ PACKERS -3
We’re siding with the Cheese Heads at home. Aaron Rodgers looked rather pedestrian against the Bears last Thursday, but I expect a better performance this week. The Vikings passed the ball 10 total times against the Falcons thanks to a large early lead. Kirk Cousins will be more involved this week and I’m not certain that’s a good thing. Packers win 20-13
Colts @ TITANS -3
Both of these teams surprised in week one. The Colts were very competitive, losing to the Chargers in OT on the road. Jacoby Brissett filled in wonderfully for recently retired QB Andrew Luck. Tennessee took the over-hyped Browns to the woodshed, notching a 30-point victory in Cleveland. Titans win 28-21
PATRIOTS @ Dolphins -19
Reports out of Miami indicated that multiple veterans asked to be traded immediately following one of the most lopsided defeats in NFL history when the Ravens picked apart the Canned Tuna 59-10 last Sunday. If you want a live look at a Miami Dolphins practice, Google “dumpster fire”. The only thing that could possibly derail this Patriots juggernaut is Antonio Brown. Patriots win 45-7
Bills @ GIANTS -1.5
I mentioned it earlier, it’s tough to win back-to-back road games in the NFL. The Bison squeaked out a victory against the other New York City franchise, they won’t make it two in a row. The Giants are really bad at football, but so are the Bills. Eli Manning’s corpse gets it’s first win in 2019. Giants win 21-14
COWBOYS @ Redskins +5
Have you ever heard of Manifest Destiny? The Native Americans were better than advertised last Sunday in Philadelphia, but the Cowboys looked incredible dismantling the hapless Giants. With new offensive coordinator Kellen Moore calling the plays, Dallas’ offense could resemble the early 90’s teams led by Emmitt Smith and Troy Aikman. Cowboys win 35-13
Cardinals @ RAVENS -13.5
Holy smokes the Ravens looked incredible last week in South Florida. There’s zero chance they’re as good as they looked, let’s give the Canned Tuna ample credit for that debacle, but I’m not sure the Desert Bats will make things more difficult for the Edgar Poe’s. Ravens win 35-14
JAGUARS @ Texans -9
The Texans lost an absolute heartbreaker on Mond ay night in New Orleans. Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins’ heroics were wasted in the real world, but my fantasy team benefitted greatly. You have to feel for Jags QB Nick Foles, he finally gets his shot as a starter and his season is lost in the first week. Gardner Minshew is sneaky good. Texans win 23-20
CHIEFS @ Raiders +7
The Chiefs have Patrick Mahomes at quarterback, the Raiders do not have Patrick Mahomes. If you remember from last week, this is the same type of in-depth analysis you can expect from this column on a weekly basis. Chiefs win 38-20
BEARS @ Broncos +2.5
The Bears looked terrible offensively in their opener against the Packers last Thursday. Bears QB Mitchell Trubisky appears to have regressed in year three. The Mountain Donkey’s were a disaster Monday Night and few things make my heart happier. It’s ironic that John Elway, one of the legendary QBs in NFL history, can’t solve the passing problem in Denver. Bears win 19-13
Saints @ RAMS -2.5
Could this be another preview of a future NFC championship game? The Saints barely escaped Monday Night with the Texans in town, thanks to a 58-yard field goal as time expired. The Rams vaunted offense sputtered a bit in Carolina, but LA still cruised to an easy win. The smart money is on a really good Rams team at home laying less than a field goal. Rams win 35-31
EAGLES @ Falcons +1.5
It’s another battle of the birds. Eagles have a size advantage and generally are more fearsome. I say generally because Soldotna dump eagles are pretty lazy. The Falcons looked awful in Minnesota a week ago. It’s hard to pinpoint what’s wrong with the dirty birds but something is definitely wrong. Eagles win 27-19
Browns @ JETS +2.5
This game traditionally is a Toilet Bowl game of the week, but the Browns are at least entertaining if nothing else this year. Browns QB Baker Mayfield and Jets QB Sam Darnold will forever be linked by their selections in the 2018 NFL Draft. The Jets burned me last week, but this feels like a sucker’s line. Average Joe will be all over the Browns -2.5 and Vegas is never kind to Average Joe. Jets win 26-20
By Nolan Rose
For the Peninsula Clarion
