It’s raining extraordinarily hard while I write this. Which is great for ducks but not golfers.

Old Folks Golf

Earl “The Pearl” Mathis shined Monday morning at senior play, increasing his stature within the golf community. Mathis netted a 31 to distance himself from the competition. Pat McElroy did well enough to finish in second place, commonly known as the first loser. Wayne “Iron Man” Anderson captured closest-to honors at the sixth. Earl’s low net finish was aided by the top shot at the eighth. Chuck “Easy” Rider rolled in the long putt at the ninth from 24 inches away, which really emphasizes the quality putting that takes place at Birch Ridge on Monday mornings.

Tuesday Morning Ladies League

Chiya “Pet” Bazan dueled with Leona Jackson for female golf supremacy Tuesday morning at Birch Ridge. The two golfers matched each other stroke for stroke with brilliant play en route to a T-1 result, leaving the rest of the field in awe. Chiya’s ball dazzled and danced its way near the cup at the eighth, securing closest-to glory. Sally “Sweet Thang” Tachick had the first ladies chip-in of the year at the sixth with a mind-boggling display of dexterity.

Thursday Night Couples

It was turn-back-the-clock night Thursday at Birch Ridge. The lovebirds were playing a sport of different tune when rangefinders, tees and ball markers were not allowed.

Suspense engulfed the golf course with stymies in play. Which pair had the wits to emerge victorious?

In somewhat of a surprise, Monte “Sasquatch” Roberts and his lovely bride, Stephanie, navigated play beautifully to take the title of King and Queen. The Roberts narrowly defeated Tom “Bombs over Baghdad” Boedeker and his better half, Tanya, along with the joyful Jelsmas. One might even say the Roberts used “The Force” to win the day.

Golf Joke of the Week

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’ alternate-shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par 4, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, “Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.”

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, “That’s OK, Sweetheart,” and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within 2 feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, “Honey, that was a bogey five and that’s OK, but I hope we can do better on the next hole.”

To which she replied, “Don’t be a jerk! Only two of those five shots were mine.”