‘Tis the time around Christmas and throughout the White House,
No one is stirring, not the Prez, kids or spouse.
They are hiding away, and trembling with fear,
As the GOP Senate prepares for a new year.
It’s going to be unrelenting bad news,
Mitch McConnell, of course, but also Ted Cruz.
Not only that, but even insaner,
Will be the House hard-liners running over John Boehner.
But now on the north lawn there arises a clatter,
Still another fence-jumper, but only much fatter.
This one wears red, has a beard, doesn’t jog,
Which is a mistake, ‘cause he’s mauled by a dog.
He shouts “Ho Ho Ho,” though his treatment is rough,
And it isn’t too long before he’s handcuffed.
Sharp agents soon notice he’s got a big sack,
So they call off their dog, who’s in midattack.
“What’s in it?” they scream; he says, “Gifts, got a lot,”
And that’s when they call in the bomb-squad robot.
But what do they find when they rifle his bag?
Only presents, wrapped up, none with a price tag.
For Hillary, Ted and the rest who’ll be running,
The very same book, called “Campaigning for Dummies.”
But POTUS steps out, says Santa’s a hoarder,
And demands his release, by executive order.
So Claus slips away and looks for his sleigh,
But Parking Enforcement has towed it away.
Not only that, but his deer are hell-raisers,
So they’re drinking and eating at a bunch of fundraisers.
Imagine St. Nick, he can’t move, he’s just stuck,
Still another poor victim of Washington gridlock.
Just forget the North Pole, he’ll stay in D.C.,
Like everyone else here, a lobbyist he’ll be.
So shut down his old gig of handing out presents,
At least to the common folk; no more for the peasants
It’s just politicians who’ll be getting his gifts,
He’ll do fundraisers, raise cash, give campaigns a big lift.
He’ll have plenty of clients, Big Pharma and Uber,
If he schmoozes with Castro, he might just land Cuba.
And once he’s established as a Washington fixture,
He might get the big prize, represent Sony Pictures.
No more elves, no more reindeer, he’ll get paid much more bread,
With a new chauffeured limo he can get rid of his sled.
So he shouts and pulls out in his big Cadillac,
“Merry Christmas to all, and never look back!”
Bob Franken is a longtime broadcast journalist, including 20 years at CNN.
