Op-ed: The ‘Tinder Solution’

  • By Bob Franken
  • Wednesday, December 20, 2017 12:11pm
  • Opinion

Why would we try solving society’s most ancient problems with worn-out solutions? Sexual harassment and assault are as old as any issue can get. What do you think would have happened if the Garden of Eden had an HR department? Actually, nothing, just like today. These days, however, Eve would have decided that in the process of starting the human species, Adam acted inappropriately when he took a bite from the apple. Adam would be fired, and Genesis would have removed his blog.

The point is that nature requires that in the name of propagation, there’s always been a huge amount of piggishness. Let’s face it, most of us guys are boars. Actually, with our time-worn hit-on tactics, we’re also bores. But women have always pretended that we’re not and they have accepted their lot as mindless objects whose main purpose was to be breeding stock.

Finally, after eons, that’s changing. Fitfully, but those of the female persuasion have decided that they’re full-fledged people who think, create, the whole megillah. No longer are they going to tolerate the range of animallike behavior. No more will they fear rape and sexual assault because they have no recourse. No more will they accept groping or inappropriate touching, and no more will they tolerate the barely camouflaged, gross come-ons that are ridiculously clumsy and inappropriate in the workplace, or anywhere else for that matter.

However, and this is a big however, we males don’t know how else to act but boorishly. Committing assault and putting your hands on someone’s private parts are no-nos that are relatively easy to understand, except maybe for a certain president of the United States. But what about the more subtle stuff, the awkward innuendo, the touching that we consider innocent fun that really isn’t? It’s too easy to say that we men have to change our way of thinking. That’s too gradual, even at the place of employment.

So we need to come up with a new approach. And I’m your guy. Some of you might recall that I’m the one who came up with some alternative ways to solve the deficit. I proposed selling naming rights to government buildings, like the Boeing Pentagon, or the Exxon Interior Department headquarters and certainly the Twitter White House.

And who should possibly argue that Guantanamo Bay prison couldn’t be turned into seaside condominiums, a gated community? Unfortunately, strange as it may seem, these ideas have not yet been adopted, but with the Republican tax cut that will add a trillion dollars plus to the national debt, it won’t be long before officials will be desperately looking around for anything to help prevent economic collapse.

But onward and downward. It’s that same vision we need to utilize to solve this crisis. Actually, in this case, we don’t have to invent venues, just redefine them. Let’s start in and around the workplace, because that’s where so much of the problem happens. By “workplace,” I mean where people hold jobs, civilians as well as the members of armed forces. Let’s not exclude the campuses, since we’ve had so many problems there. We will have to include secondary schools, too, so we block the pervs who stalk any female who’s reached puberty, including those who run for Senate. We change anywhere there’s a hierarchy of supervisors taking advantage of their power over subordinates, and a lowerarchy of leches.

The only approach that will work is stark but simple: We need to separate the sexes at work. Nothing else will really do the job. It’s probably a good idea to shut down all the bars, because some of the sleazes from the office might show up there to hassle colleagues.

The one place men and women can, uh, interact is online. If they can agree on ground rules in cyberspace, then they can get together and pursue keeping the species up and running or whatever their pursuit. Let’s call it the “Tinder Solution.” Oh wait. That’s already happening? Well then, our problem is solved.

Bob Franken is a longtime broadcast journalist, including 20 years at CNN.

More in Opinion

Heidi Drygas, executive director of the 8,000-member Alaska State Employees Association, addresses a rally outside the Alaska State Capitol on Feb. 10, 2023. (Mark Sabbatini / Juneau Empire File)
Let’s stop the ‘Neglect. Panic. Repeat.’ cycle of public service delivery

The payroll section is one of several state agencies in crisis

This photo shows Alaska Department of Public Safety Commissioner Jim Cockrell. (Courtesy photo / Office of Gov. Mike Dunleavy)
Strengthening Alaska through service: Join the Alaska State Troopers

The law enforcement positions within the Department of Public Safety fill a critical need within our community

A tabletop voting booth is seen next to a ballot box at the Kenai city clerk’s office on Monday, Sept. 20, 2021, in Kenai, Alaska. (Peninsula Clarion file)
Opinion: Last call to voice your vote!

We will see you at the polls Oct. 3

LaDawn Druce asks Sen. Jesse Bjorkman a question during a town hall event on Saturday, Feb. 25, 2023, in Soldotna, Alaska. (Ashlyn O’Hara/Peninsula Clarion)
Opinion: Addressing Kenai Peninsula’s education and public safety employee shortage

Many of our best and brightest educators take a hard and close look at the teacher’s retirement system in Alaska early in their careers and are stunned

Deven Mitchell, executive director of the Alaska Permanent Fund Corporation (Courtesy photo)
Opinion: Providing for generations of Alaskans

As a public endowment, the wealth of the Fund is the responsibility of every resident of the state

U.S. Sens. Lisa Murkowski and Mitt Romney greet each other outside the chamber at the U.S. Capitol on April 5, 2022. (J. Scott Applewhite / AP file photo)
Opinion: Alaska’s senators and Mitt Romney

When newly elected Sen. Mitt Romney, R-Utah, began his term five years… Continue reading

UAA Provost Denise Runge photographed outside the Administration and Humanities Building.
Opinion: UAA offers affordable and convenient pathways that prepare students for the next step

At UAA, we provide numerous academic programs designed to meet specific workforce needs

A line of voters runs out the door of the Diamond Ridge Voting Precinct at the Homer Chamber of Commerce and Visitor Center on Election Day, Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2022, in Homer, Alaska. Chamber Executive Director Brad Anderson said he had never seen the amount of people coming through the polling place. (Photo by Michael Armstrong/Homer News)
How many ways can you vote?

Multiple ballot options available to voters

scales of justice (File photo)
Opinion: The Dubious Dunleavy Deal to use public dollars for personal legal costs

In 2019, these regulation changes were ultimately abandoned without public notice

A 2022 voter information pamphlet rests on a desk in the Peninsula Clarion offices on Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2023, in Kenai, Alaska. (Ashlyn O’Hara/Peninsula Clarion)
Where to find voter pamphlets

Be educated about what you are voting on

Trustees and staff discuss management and investment of the Alaska Permanent Fund. (Courtesy Alaska Permanent Fund Corporation)
Providing Alaska-based opportunities for professional talent

Expanding our in-state presence by opening a satellite office in Anchorage has been part of the fund’s strategic plan for the past four years