‘Twas the night before Christmas, very late in Trump Tower; The Donald was tweeting, even at that late hour.
“Bah humbug,” he pecked, the holidays made him bitter; “All that ‘Peace on Earth, good will’ stuff was designed for a quitter.”
He was in his resentment mode, in fact badly on edge, recalling those who’d slighted him and plotting revenge.
His young son was asleep, and so was Melania, which probably added to his severe melancholia.
“I’m king of the world, but I’m feeling futility.” But his self-pity ended with a call from security.
“Some guy’s here to see you; he’s a truly weird mess. He says ‘Ho Ho Ho,’ but it’s not Kanye West.”
“He’s got a red suit on, a big beard and he’s jiggly — not like Miss Universe, this dude is real bigly.”
“There’s a sleigh and nine reindeer, so he’s making me nervous; I’m wondering, sir, did you order room service?”
“Send him up,” thundered Trump, and I’ll make you a bet that someone will think he’s part of my Cabinet.”
“Besides, while that looney is distracted up here; I can send my grown sons down to kill all the deer.”
There wasn’t a chimney, he used one of the lifts after a body search and guards wanding his gifts.
His bag was just bulging, the contents were grand: All that he carried stamped with the “Trump” brand.
Santa stepped out wondering what Trump would say. He was greeted instead by Kellyanne Conway.
And then came Ivanka, it was completely inane — until they explained they were really his brain.
They needed to vet him, in case he’d come by because Democrats sent him to act as a spy.
To Claus it seemed silly, he was getting annoyed; he’d never seen people who were so paranoid.
They were justified, though, their fears clearly resulted from the bitter campaign and all Trump insulted.
Among them were Muslims, Latinos and females, but he still bested Hillary, because of her emails.
Her secrecy fetish left her badly done in, along with the leaks from Vladimir Putin.
There was one more reason she was destined to lose: Her people were unable to counter fake news.
Among those who fear we’re heading straight to the Trumpster, Santa was planning to dig out a bunker;
At the frozen North Pole, such a plan might seem strange, but the ice cap will melt soon thanks to bad climate change.
Particularly since Trump has decided his hires are those who dispute science — they’re global-warming deniers.
But now in his suite, the sound of a moan, as Donny was dragged away from his smartphone.
He finally appeared in the room with St. Nick, who was now quite disgusted — the whole thing made him sick.
So he threw the gifts at them, raced away for a breakout. Scurried past the reporters, ignoring the stakeout.
He didn’t look for his deer and gave up on his sleigh when he found out it had been parked by valet.
He screamed “Merry Christmas,” a desperate greeting, while upstairs Donald Trump returned to his tweeting.
Bob Franken is a longtime broadcast journalist, including 20 years at CNN.