Bob Franken: ‘Tis the beltway around Christmas

  • By Bob Franken
  • Tuesday, December 23, 2014 12:18pm
  • Opinion

‘Tis the time around Christmas and throughout the White House,

No one is stirring, not the Prez, kids or spouse.

They are hiding away, and trembling with fear,

As the GOP Senate prepares for a new year.

It’s going to be unrelenting bad news,

Mitch McConnell, of course, but also Ted Cruz.

Not only that, but even insaner,

Will be the House hard-liners running over John Boehner.

But now on the north lawn there arises a clatter,

Still another fence-jumper, but only much fatter.

This one wears red, has a beard, doesn’t jog,

Which is a mistake, ‘cause he’s mauled by a dog.

He shouts “Ho Ho Ho,” though his treatment is rough,

And it isn’t too long before he’s handcuffed.

Sharp agents soon notice he’s got a big sack,

So they call off their dog, who’s in midattack.

“What’s in it?” they scream; he says, “Gifts, got a lot,”

And that’s when they call in the bomb-squad robot.

But what do they find when they rifle his bag?

Only presents, wrapped up, none with a price tag.

For Hillary, Ted and the rest who’ll be running,

The very same book, called “Campaigning for Dummies.”

But POTUS steps out, says Santa’s a hoarder,

And demands his release, by executive order.

So Claus slips away and looks for his sleigh,

But Parking Enforcement has towed it away.

Not only that, but his deer are hell-raisers,

So they’re drinking and eating at a bunch of fundraisers.

Imagine St. Nick, he can’t move, he’s just stuck,

Still another poor victim of Washington gridlock.

Just forget the North Pole, he’ll stay in D.C.,

Like everyone else here, a lobbyist he’ll be.

So shut down his old gig of handing out presents,

At least to the common folk; no more for the peasants

It’s just politicians who’ll be getting his gifts,

He’ll do fundraisers, raise cash, give campaigns a big lift.

He’ll have plenty of clients, Big Pharma and Uber,

If he schmoozes with Castro, he might just land Cuba.

And once he’s established as a Washington fixture,

He might get the big prize, represent Sony Pictures.

No more elves, no more reindeer, he’ll get paid much more bread,

With a new chauffeured limo he can get rid of his sled.

So he shouts and pulls out in his big Cadillac,

“Merry Christmas to all, and never look back!”

Bob Franken is a longtime broadcast journalist, including 20 years at CNN.

More in Opinion

The official ballot for the Aug. 16, 2022, Special General Election features ranked choice voting. (State of Alaska Division of Elections)
Voices of the Peninsula: Check out the ballot before you vote

This kind of ballot is not something you have seen before.

Former Gov. Bill Walker, right, and his running mate former commissioner of the Department of Labor and Workforce Development Heidi Drygas, speak to Juneauites gathered for a fundraiser at a private home in Juneau on Tuesday, June 7, 2022. (Peter Segall / Juneau Empire File)
Opinion: Why I’m voting for Walker

Walker is the only candidate with the potential to govern effectively for all Alaskans.

Nick Begich III campaign materials sit on tables ahead of a May 16 GOP debate held in Juneau. (Peter Segall / Juneau Empire File)
Opinion: Nick Begich is who Alaska and America need now

It is in Alaska’s best interest to elect a member of the Republican party

Michael Heimbuch attends a memorial service for the late Drew Scalzi on Aug. 5, 2005, at the Seafarers Memorial on the Homer Spit in Homer, Alaska. (Photo by Michael Armstrong/Homer News)
Point of View: King salmon: The clash of culture and science

People do some pretty awful things to king salmon stocks

State Sen. Josh Revak (Photo provided)
The time has come to end Big Tech’s rule

The hope is that the bipartisan American Innovation and Choice Online Act (S. 2992) will come to the Senate floor for a vote

Lieutenant governor candidate Edie Grunwald speaks at a Charlie Pierce campaign event at Paradisos restaurant in Kenai on Saturday, March 5, 2022. (Camille Botello/Peninsula Clarion)
Election Integrity: An Alaskan question with an Alaskan answer

A needless round of feel-good meetings and what-if conversations will be a thing of the past

This photo shows the University of Alaska Southeast campus in Juneau. (Jonson Kuhn / Juneau Empire File)
Opinion: I’m a longtime educator, and I’m supporting Walker/Drygas

The issues our state faces are significant with regard to education.

Larry Persily (Peninsula Clarion file)
Opinion: Congress could keep health insurance costs from rising, but it has to act fast

The cost of health insurance will rise substantially next year for about 13 million Americans

The offical ballot for the Aug. 16, 2022, Special General Election features ranked choice voting. (State of Alaska Divison of Elections)
Opinion: Alaskans deserve an election system that represents our differences

The new system’s goal is to make this election cycle transparent, secure and easy for all Alaskans to vote

UAA Chancellor Sean Parnell (Courtesy)
Opinion: UAA’s career certificates are helping to fill Alaska’s workforce pipeline

At UAA, we are announcing a new suite of certificate programs responding to some of the state’s most critical needs

Opinion: Remaining vigilant after 30 years

Exxon Valdez spurred both federal and state legislatures, the industry, and the public to come together