Nick Varney

Nick Varney

Vote on National Apathy Week delayed

What are some of these clueless congressional reps trying to prove?

Our federal government continues to amaze, or should I say bemuse?

Our supposedly mature and distinguished representatives have been running around giving each other the rude digit over what the upcoming national budget should look like.

At the moment, they are kicking the possibility of an apocalyptic government shutdown under the rug of obscure threats such as, “nonessential workers” being sent home after they place tarps over the Grand Canyon and shutter tourist access routes to Yosemite National Park cutting Yogi Bear’s picnic basket supply chain.

What are some of these clueless congressional reps trying to prove?

One side is trying to convince the general public that their proposed budget cuts won’t reduce the elderly into gumming Kibbles’nBits for meals while scrambling to seek medical care from unlicensed veterinarians. The opposing party is posturing like they are some sort of benevolent organization of do-gooders who have finally discovered how to turn lead into gold once they develop a technique to painlessly remove it from their keisters. Meanwhile, they keep no-holds-barred spending like a drunk in a Monopoly tournament.

It makes one wonder if some of our more seasoned representatives have become so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying.

Diogenes would have a nervous breakdown nowadays lighting a lamp in the middle of the day and wandering the D.C. halls of the federal government in search of a honest human being. Fortunately, we still have some elected officials whose main priorities aren’t centered on personal wealth, power, and social conventions.

At the moment, if it wasn’t for the fact that we are heading toward another major election year, the ensconced privileged inside the Capital Beltway would be back to sipping lobbyist liquor and voting on measures such as establishing a National Apathy Week or funding cottage cheese sculptures.

If you listen closely to certain pompous postulators, you’d swear they are the type of plankton intellect who won’t take their annual physical’s blood test because it’s not graded on a curve.

If they keep it up, they’ll be blaming their opponents for rigging the American Idol results and start whipping Crayons at each other during legislative sessions.

The divided camps have become so redundant in their snide remarks and denunciation hurling that most of us would reap more intellectual stimulation from counting the teeth in our combs than listening to their lamenting songs of whine and rudeness.

Hey, what the hell. We’ve known for a long time that political animals are predisposed to verbal flatulence. It makes one wonder if these pontificators quaff an extra pitcher of brew along with their chili rellenos before commencing another debate on the budget. If so, at least we’d be producing our own gas resources.

Something has to give soon or both the Democrats and the Republicans will end up looking like intransient snobs and with the leadership skills of seaweed.

Maybe we need to try and do something a bit different when our reps are in session.

I remember one critic who was famous for his satire and off-the-wall wit. He suggested that the only way to deal with annoying pontificators would be by utilizing especially trained Bureaucrat Shepherds. The animals are known for their uncanny ability to recognize when a buffoon is about to bluster and quickly burst into the forum, present an impressive fang display and usher him/her into the hallway with the option to nip.

This may sound cruel but the dogs enjoy the exercise. Session lengths would be significantly shortened and adult mediative conversations would be conducted with mutual respect and decorum.

But, let’s get real. The day that type of mutual respect arrives, they’ll have to shut down the commercial airways around the Capital due to the inbound traffic of flying pigs.

It would be nice if the warring sides would just stop, look around, and ask themselves a few questions such as, “Why do some of our major cities have a recommended dress code of body armor and martial arts training?” Or, “Is it true that inflight birds will soon begin to burst into flames if we don’t convert to skateboards as standard transportation and provide enhanced Beano products to cow herds to quell the global warming threats spawned by their massive clouds of flatulence racing across the globe.

Tough questions to ponder when one stampedes blindly with a herd without noticing another band charging off in a different direction and not hesitating to ask why.

Maybe they should ask individuals standing aside observing both groups dashing toward opposite poles.

They might discover those folks are pondering the positives and negatives of both stampeding herds and are formulating a plan and a path that will incorporate the positives to bring the nation together rather than run it off of cliff.

I’ll cast my vote for those who put the community and country before themselves and offer their hands in friendship instead of a push away.

Nick can be reached at if he isn’t trying to outrun the latest herd he has annoyed.

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