Unhinged Alaska: A political-free zone for the holidays

The holidays at our cabin by the sea is usually a primo time to kick it back, reinforce family bonds and strengthen ties with friends even if it means I have to share some seriously delicious cuisine whipped up by my bride.

I’m extremely lucky because the only thing she requires of me is that I stay out of the way while she bakes, fries, boils, chops and stirs with one hand whilst wrapping packages with the other.

Do I contribute more than placing a manly digit directly on target when she requests backup for bow tying? You bet.

I am tasked to make sure that the dogs get time to do their outside “delicates” and give each other proper recognition sniffs since they haven’t seen each other for 10 seconds.

This is way tougher that it sounds. Have you ever tried to stage vital doggie bladder expulsion exercises to coincide with the half-time of critical NFL showdowns?

How about four, same day, playoffs with two of them coinciding broadcasts?

Every stud couch referee knows that the furious punching of the remote control to keep up with the scores and highlights during commercial breaks is a grueling challenge. Add neurotic mutts to the equation and a guy could get so spaced that he could start missing the garlic/French onion/nacho cheese dip by hurrying his scoop moves just to accommodate the curs.

It doesn’t help much either when two of the curs are human.  

Last season I made a minor miscalculation and figured Willie and Turk had finally let their opinions cool over their political differences and candidates. So after an intense pre-visit briefing and somber vow to behave I invited them over for some screen time.

To say the least, it didn’t go well.

Jane has a very strict rule when W.W. and Turk are fussing at each other. She doesn’t want them in the same state, much less anywhere near our property line. I can’t blame her because when those two old boys work up a snit, the Hatfield and McCoy feuds seem like a finger pointing pout session between Alvin and the Chipmunks.

The boys didn’t make it to the end of the first quarter.  

This time around we stayed with the our tradition of spending the day together enjoying an old fashioned homemade feast and calling family members from coast to coast to share updates and family gossip.

It was a primo event mainly because Turk and Willie were unexpectedly called out of state for a short job.  

I should have let sleeping idiots lie. Did I? Nope. I figured that since there were some important games during December and we had a superfluity of frozen leftovers, I’d give the guys a call and see how things were going.

Turk was back in Homer and had just finished repairing and winterizing his boat and was ready for some time off.

Willie had also returned to his cabin but was still snorting fire over having to settle for a bowl of Grape Nuts and skim milk on T-day in North Dakota.

When I broached the possibility of warmed up goodies, football, and some adult libations at our ‘stead, both somberly avowed that they would put their political differences in a deep freeze over the Yuletide and looked forward to hanging at our cozy abode.

I gravely recapped the commander-in-chiefette’s attitude toward squabbling and both repeated a blood oath to acquit themselves with decorum.

I advised them that blood wouldn’t be a problem. Stopping its flow might be if they shot their mouths off. They assured me that they’d raise hell only if my dog Howard passed gas when the food was served.

I reminded them that we tracked the last incident to Willie.

They reiterated their pledge of peace.

There was only one more hurdle.

I opened the valve on a box of fine wine and ran the proposition and pledges by my wary spouse.

Her response was to the point.

“Nick, if either one of those two testosterone-soaked cretins start a political, in fact, any kind of argument in this house, I’m going to make sure the only thing they’ll be good for will be singing off key high soprano during welcoming ceremonies at remote tourist atolls. Easter Island would be a good start. Are you feeling me?”

I gave them her answer.

Women are wise. December has been peaceful so far. My buds have decided to watch the games at separate adult emporiums to ensure their baritone.

Of course, if they need me, I’ll be their stand-by designated driver unless it is Christmas Eve then all bets are off.

It’s our anniversary. I’m a baritone. I want to keep it that way.

Besides, after sharing 38 years of the purest love and devotion a man could wish for, where else would I want to be?

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com where he is relishing a political free zone for the holidays.

More in Life

This Korean rice porridge, called dak juk, is easy to digest but hearty and nutritious, perfect for when you’re learning how to eat. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
A comforting meal for new beginnings

Rice porridge is a common first solid meal for many, many babies around the world

file
Minister’s Message: The sound of God’s voice

In all my desperate prayers, I sometimes forget that God has spoken definitively already

Rivers and Ice by Susan Pope. (Promotional photo)
KPC Showcase to feature discussion with Alaska author Susan Pope

Pope will discuss her memoir “Rivers and Ice: A Woman’s Journey Toward Family and Forgiveness”

Promotional photo courtesy Sony Pictures
Carrie Coon, Paul Rudd, Finn Wolfhard, Mckenna Grace and Celeste O’Connor appear in “Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire.”
On the Screen: New ‘Ghostbusters’ struggles to balance original ideas and nostalgia

“Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire” picks up right where “Afterlife” left off, and it also succumbs to a lot of the same problems

document from ancestry.com
William Raymond “W.R.” Benson’s draft-registration card from 1942 reveals that he was 52 years old, living in Seward and self-employed. His wife, Mable, is listed as a person who will always know his address.
Hometown Booster: The W.R. Benson Story — Part 2

W.R. Benson was a mover and a shaker throughout his life, but particularly so in Alaska

Terri Zopf-Schoessler and Donna Shirnberg rehearse “The Odd Couple: The Female Version” at the Kenai Performers’ Theater near Soldotna, Alaska, on Tuesday, March 19, 2024. (Jake Dye/Peninsula Clarion)
‘Iconic, classic comedy’

Kenai Performers debuts “The Odd Couple: The Female Version”

Photo provided by Sara Hondel
Sara Hondel stands with a leprechaun during Sweeney’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Soldotna on Sunday. Green, leprechauns and Nugget the Moose poured down the streets for the 34th annual parade hosted by the Soldotna Chamber of Commerce. Under cloudy skies — but fortunately no precipitation — a procession of viridescent celebrants representing businesses and organizations brought festivities to an array of attendees lining Redoubt Avenue.
Go green or go home

Soldotna turns out for St. Patrick’s Day parade

Eggplants, garlic, lemon juice and tahini make up this recipe for baba ghanouj. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
When making a good example is hard to swallow

Preparing baba ghanouj despite a dislike of eggplant

William Raymond “W.R.” Benson (front row, far right) poses along with the rest of the Sigma Nu fraternity at Albion College in Michigan in about 1908. Despite a lifetime spent in the public eye, Benson was apparently seldom captured on film. This image is one of the few photos of him known to exist. (photo from the 1908 Albion College yearbook via ancestry.com)
Hometown Booster: The W.R. Benson Story — Part 1

W.R. Benson was a man almost constantly in motion

Most Read