Stickers tell everything

We don’t eat out very much, partly because of my wife’s delicate stomach and partly because of my delicate wallet. When the choice comes down to lifesaving doctors and a good meal, I am saddened that food comes in second place.

Neither do we pick up takeout food very often. Maybe once a week for two for Chinese food, which, oddly enough, my wife’s constitution can handle.

No, usually JoAn cooks, or we do something simple and easy, such as chicken pot pies or ham sandwiches. Although she denies being able to prepare anything tasty, she is actually a good cook, so I praise her meals effusively.

Last Friday, as I left the house for work, I asked what she wanted to do for supper.

“You know what I like,” she replied. “I don’t like to cook.”

That’s JoAn in a nutshell. Self-effacing yet supremely competent.

“Maybe a salad,” she added.

“You don’t eat salads,” I said. “You subsist on canned soup and crackers when I’m not around.”

That’s what she wanted, though, so that’s what we got. My wife is my life, you see, and if her constitution could handle steak every night, I would make sure she got it, even if I added cattle rustler to my résumé.

I remember once seeing a touching bumper sticker that read: “I heart my wife.” In truth I’ve seen that sticker only once in my decades. The same for a funnily ignorant sticker I saw on a pickup in the 1970s: “More people have died in Ted Kennedy’s car than in nuclear power accidents.” (Obviously, that was before Three Mile Island and Chernobyl.)

As I drove to work Friday, I didn’t see anyone who loved his wife, or hated the Kennedys, but I got behind an SUV whose rear bumper was proud of its child being an honor student at a local elementary school. (In my day, they

were called “grammar” schools, but I’m pretty sure the feds made them switch to “elementary” after kids stopped understanding grammar.)

But wait. It’s July, so is that alleged honor student having to attend summer school? A true honor student wouldn’t have to make up school during the summer break; that would mean he or she failed with dishonor somewhere along the way.

Or had that honor student excelled a grading period earlier and the parents simply hadn’t scraped the sticker off the bumper? That seemed a sin of omission, prideful braggadocio or perhaps even a misdemeanor. I guess nobody ever said bumper stickers have to be accurate.

Nor do they have to be constitutional, it seems. Just a few days earlier – the day after the Dallas massacre, as a matter of fact – I drove behind a truck plastered with insensitive stickers. The one that stands out is: “When they come for your guns, give them the bullets first.”

Love and hate, spelled out on bumpers around us.

Reach Glynn Moore at glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.

More in Life

Achieving the crispy, flaky layers of golden goodness of a croissant require precision and skill. (Photo by Tresa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
On the strawberry patch: Reaching the pinnacle of patisserie

Croissants take precision and skill, but the results can be delightful

This 1940s-era image is one of few early photographs of Cliff House, which once stood near the head of Tustumena Lake. (Photo courtesy of the Secora Collection)
Twists and turns in the history of Cliff House — Part 1

Here, then, is the story of Cliff House, as least as I know it now.

File
Minister’s Message: What’s in a name?

The Scriptures advise, “A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.”

Visitors put on personal protective equipment before an artist talk by Dr. Sami Ali' at the Jan. 7, 2022, First Friday opening of her exhibit, "The Mind of a Healthcare Worker During the COVID-19 Pandemic," at the Homer Council on the Arts in Homer, Alaska. (Photo by Michael Armstrong/Homer News)
ER doctor’s paintings follow passage of pandemic

Dr. Sami Ali made 2019 resolution to paint every day — and then the COVID-19 pandemic hit.

Almond flour adds a nuttiness to this carrot cake topped with cream cheese frosting. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
On the strawberry patch: A ‘perfect day’ cake

Carrot cake and cream cheese frosting make for a truly delicious day off

File
Minister’s Message: A prayer pulled from the ashes

“In that beleaguered and beautiful land, the prayer endures.”

A copy of “The Year of Magical Thinking” by author Joan Didion is displayed on an e-reader. (Photo by Ashlyn O’Hara/Peninsula Clarion)
Off the Shelf: Didion’s “Year of Magical Thinking” is a timely study on grief

‘The last week of 2021 felt like a good time to pick up one of her books.’

Megan Pacer / Homer News
Artist Asia Freeman, third from left, speaks to visitors on Nov. 1, 2019, at a First Friday art exhibit opening at Kachemak Bay Campus in Homer.
Freeman wins Governor’s Arts Humanities Award

Bunnell Street Arts Center artistic director is one of nine honored.

Zirrus VanDevere’s pieces are displayed at the Kenai Art Center on Jan. 4, 2022. (Courtesy Alex Rydlinski)
A journey of healing

VanDevere mixes shape, color and dimension in emotional show

Traditional ingredients like kimchi, ramen and tofu are mixed with American comfort food Spam in this hearty Korean stew. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
On the strawberry patch: Warm up with army base stew

American soldiers introduced local cooks to some American staple ingredients of the time: Spam and hotdogs.

File
Peninsula Crime: Bad men … and dumb ones — Part 2

Here, in Part Two and gleaned from local newspapers, are a few examples of the dim and the dumb.