Glynn Moore: My car is too unsophisticated to hack

Driving has always been scary, from trying to keep your Model T right side up to holding your Ferrari below 200 mph. Now you have something new to keep you up at night: People have learned to hack into your cars and take control.

When I say “we,” I really mean “some of you,” because the hacking has, so far, been confined to Fiat Chrysler vehicles. Last week, the multinational company recalled some Jeep Grand Cherokee and Cherokee SUVs, Chrysler 200 and 300 and Dodge Charger sedans, Dodge Challenger coupes, Ram pickups and Viper sports cars.

Being recalled are the ones with 8.4-inch touchscreens on the dashboard, because this glitch is all about computers. A couple of men recently took control, remotely, of a Cherokee through its digital radio, and Chrysler didn’t merely jump; it asked, “How high?”

That’s because the worst thing it can do to attract buyers to the showroom is to have somebody in the next town take over your car and run it off a cliff. (Actually, that would result in repeat sales, but not with the same manufacturer and only if you survived.)

Again, you will notice that I said “you” and not “we,” because not even the head bartender at the Ap­ple Genius Bar would be able to hack into my old SUV. Manufactured 14 years and 166,608 miles ago — 268,129 kilometers looks so much more impressive — it is no more susceptible to computer high jinks than it is West Nile virus. Its most sophisticated component is its CD player, which works except when the weather is humid. In our area, that is most of the time, and so the CD will eject itself and leave me with radio alone (but both AM and FM, so I’m not completely a country bumpkin).

To be fair to Bob, which I have called my cars — only three in the past 38 years (the last one was still running strong at 233,461 miles) — humidity doesn’t leave me totally high and dry. That’s because the one option I specified when I ordered Bob III was a cassette player. I didn’t even specify a certain paint color, but I did insist on the tape player.

Nor have I discarded my CDs and adopted music streaming. Baby steps for Bob.

So, let the hackers do their worst. I’d like to see some computer nerd commandeer Side A of a Spring­steen tape and switch it to Side B while I’m driving. Good luck, pal!

While they’re at it, let the government monitor our phone calls. Maybe it will help us mind our telephone etiquette, like when the teacher ordains a student to take the names of talkers when she has to step out of the classroom. I have nothing to hide.

And finally, let the traitors release secret documents and then change their gender or flee to Russia to escape the law. I’m comfortable in my skin and have no passport.

Bob and I have too many miles on us to care.

Reach Glynn Moore at

More in Life

Nick Varney
Unhinged Alaska: A Christmas artist and a cyber safari

My attempts at adornment layouts come across as being colorfully sculptured landfills

Minister’s Message: Keep your faith focused on Jesus

Don’t let fear make you slip from faith

Hip-Hop students practice their routines for Forever Christmas on Monday, Nov. 28, 2022, at Forever Dance in Soldotna, Alaska. (Jake Dye/Peninsula Clarion)
Forever Dance rings in the holidays with variety show

The show serves as a fun holiday tradition and an opportunity to get on stage early in the season

Image courtesy 20th Century 
Ralph Fiennes is Chef Julien Slowik and Anya Taylor-Joy is Margot in “The Menu”
On the Screen: ‘The Menu’ serves up fun twists and earnest commentary

I was plenty interested in the film I saw in the trailers, but the one I saw at the theater was so much more

Golden Soup mixes cauliflower, onions and apples and can be made in one pot. (Photo by Tressa Dale/Peninsula Clarion)
Golden soup offers a healthy reprieve after holiday indulgence

On the off days between the trips and celebrations I find it necessary to eat strategically

Photo courtesy of the National Archives 
This photo and information from a “prison book” at San Quentin state prison in California shows Arthur Vernon Watson when he entered the prison at age 23.
Justice wasn’t elementary, Watson, Part 2

Well before he shot and killed a man in Soldotna in 1961, Arthur Vernon Watson was considered trouble

Virginia Walters (Courtesy photo)
Life in the Pedestrian Lane: Thanksgiving

We at least have a good idea of what our political future looks like.

This is Arthur Vernon Watson at age 39, when he was transferred from the federal prison in Atlanta to the penitentiary on Alcatraz Island near San Francisco. (Photo courtesy of the National Archives)
Justice wasn’t elementary, Watson, Part 3

Anchorage probation officer Roy V. Norquist was monitoring Arthur’s movements and reported that he was pleased with what he saw

Most Read