25.0°

'New Moon'

Imprint Entertainment

2 hours, 10 minutes

It was inevitable, but I just didn't imagine that it would happen again so soon. I'm not referring to a stock market crash or a hurricane off the coast of Bali, but rather a disaster of a different kind. "Twilight," last year's two-and-a-half hour long soulful stare between a vampire teen and his sulky best girl, has a sequel. And everybody went.

"New Moon," second of four in the "Twilight" series, broke all kinds of records over the weekend. Biggest single-day box office. Most midnight tickets sold. Longest mope by a lead character.

Yes, I too joined the hordes and went to see this film, though somewhat reluctantly. "Twilight," though beloved by teen girls, kind of came out of the blue for me, and I missed it in theaters. This time around I really had no excuse so I joined 150 others at the early show on Sunday afternoon. That's a lot of people out to see a vampire movie on the Sabbath, but I imagine most of them had been forced into it by virtue of the fact that our local theater had sold out nearly every other showing over the course of the weekend. The crowd may have been large, but I think some of the party atmosphere that had accompanied the film's release must have been waning. The theater manager stood gamely in the back of the house before flipping off the lights and shouted, "Is everybody ready for the show?!" All she got in return was a low murmur, so I gave out a little whoop to help her out. C'mon people, I've got to be the least excited person in the theater.

Reprising her role as sullen vampire-love Bella Swan is Kristen Stewart. Bella, having just turned 18, is obsessed with the one birthday present her undead boyfriend, Edward Cullen, king of the long, blank stare, seems completely unwilling to give. Bella wants to become a vampire herself, but Edward seems to think she might put her immortal soul in peril if she becomes an undead bloodsucker. Silly boy. After a birthday party papercut at Edward's house nearly ends in dismemberment, the Cullen clan decides it'd be best to pull up stakes and leave poor Bella behind.

But don't feel too bad for her, for when one monster exits, another arrives. Enter Jacob. The skinny Native American kid from the first film has bulked up, and with good reason. Apparently for some in his tribe, puberty brings more than acne and awkward voice changes. Jacob, it turns out, is a werewolf, charged, along with his pack, with protecting humans from vampires.

I'm not sure what they were doing all through the first film, but they're here now and that's what matters.

Naturally Bella, who obviously has a death wish, falls for Jacob, giving her more opportunity to sulk and moon around when things inevitably go awry. Not to worry, Bella's first love will always be Edward who, though not actually in the movie all that much, gets to show his pale face through a series of contrived spectral visitations, wherein he begs his love to not be so reckless.

Finally, it all wraps up with a rushed trip to Italy to confront the Volturi, vampiredom's royal family and rule-maker. Edward thinks Bella is dead so he, much like Levi Johnson, is going to show his shiny skin to the public, an infraction that will result in a death sentence. It's all a little complicated, but basically amounts to an opportunity for Dakota Fanning to make an appearance sporting those cool vamp contact lenses.

I keep hearing, "At least it's better than 'Twilight.'" Maybe that's true, but how hard is that? "New Moon" offers up some of the worst dialogue, tedious performances, and preposterous plotting of the year. Sure, the cinematography is nice, but it's the Pacific Northwest. Any goof with a disposable camera is going to get good shots in British Columbia.

This movie really rests on the shoulders of two actors, Stewart, who is in nearly every scene, and relative newcomer Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob. Lautner does a passable job, though I've heard much more in the media about his dating Taylor Swift than I have about his performance. (Oooh! They're both named Taylor! That's gonna last.)

Stewart, on the other hand, drags the entire proceeding down with every mumbled line. She apparently has one acting style: Look up. Look down. Look away. Awkward stammer. Every line, every scene, it's all delivered exactly this way. "Hey! Happy Birthday!" Up, down, away, "Um..., I, uh, thanks. I guess." "Look out! It's a pack of werewolves fighting a vampire!"

Up, down, away, "Um..., I, uh, you guys... stop it." It turns out this may not be acting at all, but rather Kristen Stewart's sparkling personality, as evidenced by her myriad talk show performances promoting the film.

Conan O'Brien: "So, how does it feel to be a part of a world-wide phenomenon like 'Twilight?'" Up, down, away. "Um ..., I, uh, good? I guess. I don't know."

The biggest problem with the film, however, is that it just doesn't know what it wants to be. Bouyed by a guaranteed box office, the director, Chris Weitz of "American Pie" fame, is all over the board as far as style. At times it's oddly comedic, though not really funny.

At others it's deadly serious, though this comes off more as boring. It's supposed to be romantic, but as neither of the leads, the vampire or his lady love, are particularly appealing, that falls flat too. It might have had special effects at least to recommend it, but even that is lame. The 10-foot tall wolves come off as cartoonish and silly rather than scary. This is pretty much par for the course.

It's too bad the audience in my showing wasn't more excited, because the big, fun, event nature of this film is literally all it has going for it. I spoke to a good friend and her daughter after seeing the movie, and I felt a little like Scrooge bah humbugging their enthusiasm.

For them and the 100 billion other mother-daughter couples who trooped out for this exceedingly long and progressively more preposterous fantasy romance, it isn't about the acting, the plot, or the dialogue. It's about shared experiences and bonding and a night of silly fun. I can support that.

Moody stares and angry declarations of chaste love between tepid teen caricatures of classic movie monsters? Not so much.

Grade: C-

"Twilight: New Moon" is rated PG-13 for very little blood, but a whole lotta angst.

Chris Jenness is a freelance graphic designer, artist and movie buff who lives in Nikiski.