24.0°

I have a real problem when it comes to timing my winterization projects so that I avoid icy stares from my bride and looks of gleeful amusement from my neighbors.

This year I created a checklist and have decided to share some of it with you as part of Unhinged Alaska's community service program.

Nick's notes:

First, make sure to get the vehicles' winter treads mounted. Do this a week ago before a whiff of snow sets off a stampede to the tire shops that leaves me sitting in a line backed up to Cooper Landing.

Second, mow the lawn one last time to dodge that nasty "dead hayfield" look in the spring. (This, of course, should have been done a week back when debating when to have the tires changed over.)

(Another note to self: Timing on this mowing matter is crucial to avoid costly delays associated with having to have the lawn plowed first.)

Third, once the lawn is harvested, take a dozen or so of those long, slender, bamboo potting poles and tie orange surveyor tapes to their tops. Walk through the yard and carefully insert each pole next to any gardening implement strewn about. This will help locate them during the winter should an internal gardening emergency occur or if I need a shovel to dig the way out after the state plow has blocked us in again.

Caution: Mark any "aggressive" tools, such as gravel rakes lying tines-up, with red tape so that when I amble across our frozen domain to share a hot toddy with my neighborhood bro I won't socially embarrass myself by having it implant itself between my eyebrows or in a more serious erogenous zone.

Also, remember to be strong-willed during this plotting process. There are those, especially my loving spouse, who will suggest that I should actually gather up and store these implements. Some will even go as far as to allude to terminal laziness on my part.

Additional note to self:

Au contraire! Neophytes don't recognize professional moose dissuaders when they see them. Moose are not much brighter than the bark they gnaw on but they still have enough sense and dignity not to go stumbling through someone's lot impaling themselves on hoes, sundry trowels and rusting Weed Eaters. I've learned that when confronted with strange obstructions, they'll opt to take multiple nugget dumps in the neighbors' immaculately kept yards while munching on their Zen Pompous Pussywillows, thus saving our Wal-Mart shrubs and plastic yard duckies from resembling survivors of a caribou stampede.

General note to readers:

I suppose I should mention that several of you might want to do something with your cabin cruisers, jet skis and split-level condo motor homes. But to tell you the truth, I don't give a squat because the only people I know who have that cool stuff winterize them by rolling to Baja for five months of sun and tequila shots.

Oh yeah, don't forget to winterize your other vehicles. Mimic motorcycles can be covered and stored in a makeshift shelter or under the porch. Harleys, of course, should be moved inside to either the main living area or the master kitchen where they will be pampered and used only as V.I.P. seating during formal dinner parties.

Finally, another item on my checklist is to prepare pets for the colder months.

All I can suggest is what we do with our dogs.

(Side note: I am wickedly allergic to cats so the only way I would know how to winterize one would involve the use of a space freezer. I refuse to go there.)

As for our mutts, I'm limited because I'm not sure if my dog Howard is really a pooch or something spawned in a petri dish by a lab assistant who had too much Boone's Farm Apple Wine in his Cheerios and decided to mix hazardous waste distillates with mastodon DNA.

Anyway, if your canine is anything like Howard, keeping your beast protected will require four, size-14 Sorels to cover its paws and down nose-warmer the bulk of a softball. Luckily, I don't have to worry about a doggie parka because he has an amazing mass of shag that would make a musk ox jealous.

For those of you who have small balls of fur like our Little Bear or a nearly bald, diminutive doglette that vibrates like it has a high voltage Tazer prod permanently implanted, I would suggest Thinsulate booties and either a nice turtleneck sweater or a vacation kennel in St. Croix.

I'd love to give you a few more winter prep suggestions but my Monitor just ran out of fuel. I knew I was forgetting something besides blowing the order for some back-up firewood.

Time to go.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com.