38.0°

'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen'

DreamWorks SKG

2 hours, 30 minutes

I've come to the conclusion that Michael Bay must have utter contempt for his audience. Otherwise, why in the world would he foist the incredible pile of trash that is "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," on an unsuspecting public?

It's almost like the king of big, dumb and loud is just daring us to stay away. "I'm going to make a movie so bad that you'll sit there slack-jawed for the almost three-hour runtime, and it'll still set records." I know that's what he's thinking. And he's right. Because the guy who sat behind me absolutely loved it. Every single stupid scene.

A quick rundown isn't absolutely necessary, partly because Bay's first "Transformer" movie also set records and chances are you've seen it, and also because continuity and plot development are apparently above the director's pay grade.

Nevertheless, you should know going in that this is a movie about a group of good giant robots who "transform" into vehicles fighting a war with a group of bad giant robots who "transform" into vehicles. In part two, the Autobots (good) have got the Decepticons (bad) on the run, and with the help of the U.S. Military, are hunting down and killing what's left of them after the first movie. Also, the human hero of part one, Sam Witwicky is off to college, giving Michael Bay plenty of opportunities for slo-mo shots of gorgeous co-eds walking, dancing, grinding, whatever.

Everything goes to hell when it's discovered that there were an ancient race of Transformers on Earth, the Primes, one of whom wanted to blow up the sun -- a plan that didn't sit well with either the other Primes or the humans living on the planet at the time. Long story short, Sam now has info that will lead to the sun-blasting machine, giving the bad Prime (the Fallen ... ooooh ...) the chance to complete his wicked plan. The Decepticons are back in full force and it's up to the good guys to save the day. Got it? Good. Now skip this terrible, terrible movie.

It's hard to know where to begin. The acting -- frenzied and hackneyed at best. Shia LeBeouf seems like he's on speed, and John Turturro -- why is John Turturro in this movie? He's a real actor, for goodness sakes! The directing? Typical Bay. The man has never met a spinning camera he didn't love.

Here's an everyday activity, done up Bay-style:

1. Overhead shot, from reverse. Man standing at counter fixing a sandwich. Music soars.

2. Camera swings around, going low, shooting up. Man looks deeply concerned. Mustard or Mayo? Music soars.

3. Camera revolves around man. 360 degrees, 720 degrees, 1040 degrees, you lose track. The emotion is palpable. Music soars.

4. Abrupt camera stillness, facing man. He drops the knife and slowly walks away. He will fight another day. Eerie silence.

The previous describes almost every scene of the film, just replace "mustard" with "massively complicated transforming robots." Add to these issues an idiotic storyline, a plot full of holes, and a frenzied pacing that leaves you dizzy, and you can see why I didn't think much of the effort.

But worse than any of the other problems is Bay's insistence on stereotypical portrayals of women and minorities, and his intense love of violence. In the first case, there's not a normal female character in the entire movie. They are either hysterical or they're Maxim models. For his female lead, Bay once again turns to Megan Fox, a hot little number that Bay's cameras ooze all over. Fox looks to be heading down the Lohan/Spears career path, so I'd be surprised if she didn't stay in the news after this movie comes and goes.

Worse still are the pair of robots referred to as "the Twins" or, more appropriately, "the Racist Twins," as I've heard them called. Speaking in high-pitched gangsta, these two incredibly irritating characters strut, talk smack, fight with each other, and announce with a challenging air that they ain't big on reading. One even sports a gold tooth, in case it wasn't clear what group Bay was lampooning. It's fairly disgusting, and they vie with Jar Jar Binks on the watchability scale.

On the violence front, "Transformers 2" is thick with it. Close up, far off, human, robot -- Michael Bay is fixated on death and torture (yes, Hasbro is one of the producers). One scene that sticks with me in particular is when Megan Fox catches a weasely little Decepticon spy and burns out one of his eyes with a blowtorch in order to extract information. He gives it, and later becomes so enamored with his captor that he begins frantically humping her leg. This is the third humping joke in the movie, by the way, and precisely illustrates Bay's worldview. Rough violence morphs into creepy sex and low-brow laughs. You're going to want to shower when you get home from the theater.

Though this odious director has made enough money to choke Optimus Prime, there may be a groundswell of popular hatred starting. I received two separate e-mail lists of reasons to avoid this movie from different people around the country. Not stick-in-the-mud critics like me, but regular moviegoers. Bay can't maintain his audience forever, not and treat them with such disdain. The director is said to have told reporters that he made "Bad Boys II" as a big middle finger to the critics.

With "Transformers" he's flipping a big robotic bird at everyone else.

Grade: D-

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is rated PG-13 for violence, mayhem, crude humor, language.

Chris Jenness is a freelance graphic designer, artist and movie buff who lives in Nikiski.